Ahhh, home, sweet home. This is something i never really used to 'get' (not having had a fixed abode for a good portion of my life whilst fucking about around Europe and down under unless you count the shanty town warehouse next to the knocking shop i lived in for six months but that was hardly 'sweet' owing to all the broken glass) but there is no doubt i am 'getting it' now. I'm finding the relief that is felt when home is in sight to be quite overpowering at times and feeling more often than not that my bed is actually the greatest place on the planet. I rationalize these disturbing new thought processes entirely from the fact that i'm getting older, not just in a physical sense (can't do anything about that till the clone vats finally arrive - bloody post office) but in the mental arena as well. Is 'maturity' something that we truly cannot outrun? Indeed, is having a tendency towards the 'comfy' option and despising the current trends of music and fashion (though i'm putting this one down to simply having something more than a quark of good taste as it is so phenomenally fucking awful) really signs of a mature individual or simply that of a generational conflict? Something to ponder this week i think....

But! you're not reading this to hear about my personal psychological dilemma's (i hope), you just want the end result as filtered through the Swiss cheese of my brain. So, what has been bugging me this month i hear you cry (worryingly, i think i can?). Well firstly, it's Wine.

Now we here at Smith central have been know to enjoy the odd tipple (i'd make a gag here but sometimes it's just too easy) and being of the middle classes (ish) we work our way through a fair amount of fermented grape juice (ohhh! class distinction!! how controversial) along with the staple diets of beer and cider and as much as i do enjoy a nice glass of wine i find it an oddity. The problem is this - as i'm sure you know, what you are eating at the time can drastically change the taste of your chosen wine. 'So what?' you may say, this is common knowledge and nothing to get your knickers in a twist about and you're probably right (whoever you are, you crazy-ass non-existential judgmental fuck!) but i'm sorry, it just fucking bugs me!!  Water still tastes like water whether you have it with a curry or a sandwich! Vodka taste like bloody vodka no matter what you have it with! but then along comes fucking wine with it's poncy 'i'm red so you should have me with meat and i'm white so you should have me with fish' bollocks and you can't help thinking if it was a human with that sort of attitude you'd have people queuing up around the block to kick them in the cunt! And as much as this annoys me, what i think actually gets my goat even more is that there are hundreds of books written, telling you what you should be eating with your wine!!  NO!!  I will not put up with this! You have no damn idea what food tastes like in our mouths so where do you get off telling others what they should be drinking?? huh??  you egotistical fuckers!  and i notice you don't write books with the titles like '50 best nibbles with a can of stella'!!  No, that's just it isn't it!? Common old beer not fucking good enough for your nuvo-posh, BMW driving, lardie-dar ways!  you utter tossers.....

Now that's of my ample chest, hopefully we can put this unpleasant business behind us and move on..    ..move on to the increasingly worrying trend of people letting their little girls dress up like hookers! What the fuck is that all about!!!???
I'd firstly like address this to the creators and advertisers of pre-teen girly magazines (of the 'Sparkle' and 'my little pony' variety not the 'Germanys best hot underage lovelies' variety i hasten to add).